Adventures with Rainbow Country
by Bluejay Blaze
Summary: America discovers that a small region in Canada is his daughter. Canada is worn out from looking after her, so America offers to take her for a while while Canada has a rest. He never imagined that such a small region could cause such trouble. Warnings: violence, language, mentions of mpreg (nothing explicit though)
1. Meet Rainbow Country

Rainbow Country

America was limping as he walked up the ungodly long driveway. Trust Canada to be the only country who didn't actually live in his capital city. No, instead he lived way out in some tiny town in the middle of Nowhere, Ontario- or at least, that's what America had been calling the place in his head. He honestly had no idea what it was called, or even if he was in the right town. The super power was beginning to regret not renting an Chevy when he left Ottawa; his little Japanese rental had bogged down ten kilometers from Canada's house. Hence the limping. Honestly, would it kill his brother to pave the road?

America's doubts over whether this was the right town were strengthened when he knocked on the door. The person who answered was definitely _not_ Canada. Instead America found himself face to face with an androgynous kid who could've been anywhere between twelve and twenty. They were dressed all in purple and black except for a white bandana around their neck and they had messy, dirty blonde hair. A pair of glasses so dirty they made America cringe perched on a scarred, peeling nose.

"Hello?" The kid's voice was just as androgynous as their appearance.

America took a moment to answer as he looked again at the house and compared it to his brother's instructions. Big log cabin? Check. On the lake? Check. At the end of a gravel road in the middle of the woods? Check. But that probably described a lot of places in Northern Ontario.

"Hello?" the kid asked again. "Can I help you?"

"Oh. Oops." America rubbed the back of his neck. "Um, the thing is, I'm kinda lost. I'm looking for my brother's place. Are we anywhere near Whitefish Falls?"

The kid frowned at him. _Holy crap, they have England's eyebrows!_ "Are you Alfred F. Jones?"

Wow. The kid new his human name. That was a shock. "Um, yeah. Do you know my brother? Matthew Williams?"

Nodding, the kid invited him in. "You're not lost Uncle Alfred. He's not here right now, but you can watch TV or something for a couple hours until dad gets back with the firewood."

"Dad!" America froze and stared at the kid, examining them for any signs of being related to his brother. The hair and the glasses fit, but other than that… Like he'd already noticed, the kid had Iggy's eyebrows over- _gulp_- Sweden's eyes. They held a wooden sword that reminded him of Japan and the cat ear headband looked like something Greece would wear. The kid had Italy's skin tone, Prussia's smirk, Romania's fangs and (from what little America could tell) Finland's build. If this _was_ Canada's child there was no way of telling who the other parent was.

"Yeah, as in my father- Matthew Williams, AKA Canada. You know, second largest country in the world, the guy you came here looking for." Okay, the voice was starting to sound like a young (or female) Germany, though without the accent. In fact, there was no accent at all. Not even a Canadian or American one. That was really weird. And that pose screamed Romano all over. Very snarky. If eyebrows and hips could speak, these ones would be calling America an idiot in multiple languages.

"I know who Canada is! Who the Hell are you?" Finally coming to his senses, America did the first thing that came to mind: he whipped out his gun and pointed it at the kid. In retrospect, that was a poor decision. The sudden pain in his head and hand told him so.

When America woke up he was lying on the chesterfield, wrapped in a blanket that also served the purpose of tying him up. The kid was staring down at him from their perch on the arm of a nearby chair. Their wooden sword was thankfully no longer in evidence.

"Sorry Uncle Alfred. I shouldn't have hit you. But you shouldn't pull guns on people you know. How'd you even get it past border security?"

"Really? You know I'm the United States of America and you still can't figure that out? Who are you?"

The kid jumped to land on all fours on the back of the chesterfield. From the way they moved America was starting to lean towards them being a girl. He still wasn't sure though.

"My name is Rainbow Country or La Cloche Mountains. I represent the towns of Whitefish Falls, Willisville and McGregor Bay. My population was three hundred and two as of 2006."

"How the Hell does that work?" America demanded, trying to escape the blanket. "You're not even one of Canada's provinces!"

Rainbow Country looked as if they were about to cry. Scratch that, they were starting to cry. A small (well, maybe not that small- about Italy's height), surprisingly heavy body fell off the back of the chesterfield onto America's chest. _Ha! Must be a girl! Not chubby enough to be that soft up top otherwise._

"I know that! Ontario reminds me whenever he sees me! He's always all 'If it weren't for that show you'd still be the birthmark on my hip' even though he knows _Adventures in Rainbow Country_ wasn't why I was born."

America finally managed to wriggle free of the blanket and sit up, leaving him staring at a lap full of sobbing teenage girl. The sobbing didn't last long though and was soon replaced by an elbow to the ribs as Rainbow Country scrambled off. She was surprisingly strong for such a small area with a low population.

"Don't tell anyone you saw me like that," Rainbow Country ordered. "I'd never hear the end of it from Ontario."

America nodded, unsure what to do. "Sure. Your secret's safe with me. Um, if you're my niece, why hasn't Canada told me about you? I mean, that show aired like forty years ago."

"I wasn't born because of the show… Dad never told me where I came from. He always says 'I'll tell you when you're older' but he's been saying it for years. I'm twenty! I can drive and drink and go to university! I'm older than Nunavut! Why am I the only one who doesn't know where I came from?"

Rainbow Country's rant reminded America (uncomfortably) that most of Canada's provinces had _not_ just materialized as nation-tans often did. Newfoundland and Labrador had, but they were more a brother and a pet to the nation anyways. England _raised_ them. Ontario and Quebec had been sired by England and France respectively; Nova Scotia was Scotland's son and his sister was PEI. New Brunswick was the daughter of Canada and the dead Beothuk nation and Manitoba was the son of Canada and a _human_ of all things! Northwest Territories and later Nunavut had been born of a union with Inuit (Canada spent a lot of time with the Native American nation-tans), British Columbia was conceived during an affair with China, Yukon after an unfortunate night of drinking (that left Canada with far too many bed mates for America's tastes), Saskatchewan was Ukraine's son and Alberta was one of America's own children.

In truth, Canada bred like a rabbit and had the strange ability to actually get pregnant, which was why America had gotten so protective of him after the Yukon incident. So the super power had to wonder who Rainbow Country's other parent was and why Canada hadn't told him. Because if the northern half of North America had been raped, America wanted to know who did it so he could nuke them for hurting his brother. But saying this would only scare Rainbow Country and given that her last reaction to fear was to knock a super power unconscious, America would rather not scare her again.

"Do you have a human name?" he asked instead. Rainbow Country nodded.

"Kayla F. Jones."

America paled. _Well, I think I know who her other father is. If she's not lying about being twenty… Shit. Timing's right. And we are the two most likely to produce such a multicultural mess of a kid._

The door banged open, saving America from doing anything stupid. Rainbow Country jumped off the chesterfield and ran to her father. Claiming the unreasonably large pile of wood Canada was carrying, the girl shooed her nation into the living room.

"I'll put it away dad. Uncle Alfred's here."

Canada laughed and came to sit beside America. The super power immediately rounded on his brother, keeping his voice quiet because of the girl in the next room.

"Why didn't you tell me I got you pregnant again? Dammit Mattie, you know I worry about you!"

"That's why I didn't tell you," Canada said evenly. "If you had your way I'd never be with a man again and I_ like_ swinging both ways. Blame it on something I inherited from France. Besides, it's not like I didn't have experience by then, and Quebec and PEI helped me." Canada smiled. "He'll never admit it, but I think Quebec likes Rainbow Country, if only because she ticks off Ontario."

"I still deserved to know Matt. I'm her _father_."

That made Canada angry. "Oh? Like you're _father_ to Alberta? Always humming and hawing over whether to let him sell you oil, making trade difficult for him if one of his cows so much as sneezes? Between that and how you ignore me so often, why would I tell you? The provinces and I are more than capable of raising a region together…" He mumbled something more, but America didn't catch it.

"Sorry bro, what was that? I couldn't hear it over the guilt trip. You know I don't control my government, right?"

Canada sighed. "I know. But you _do_ ignore me. So do the others. It's not fair." The northern nation curled up into a ball. He looked tired. Then again, he'd been looking tired for nearly two- _nearly two decades!_

"She has your super-strength," Canada continued, "And my invisibility. It's part of why Ontario doesn't like her. He says a region like her shouldn't have powers the way the rest of us do. I- her strength is still based on her land so it's not too bad, but sometimes I have a hard time dealing with her. And I can't leave her alone or Ontario will try something. Re-annex her or whatever."

"Eew. How would that even work?" America had to take a minute to absorb what he'd been told. "Wait, what do you do at meetings? I've never seen Rainbow Country before."

"Prussia babysits, or sometimes Quebec. I tried leaving her with her people for a while once, but most of them forgot about her and went to Florida on vacation. When I got back she was living out in the snow in a child's tree fort and eating seed left out for the local partridges."

America scooted over to rub his brother's shoulders. _Holy shit Mattie's tense._ "Dude, I'm so sorry. You know I don't mean to be bad to Alberta. It's just my government…"

"Governments are hosers."

"Yeah," America agreed, continuing to massage Canada's-_ too tense, too thin, has he been eating properly?- _shoulders. "And I'm sorry I ignore you, but let's face it, you control your invisibility about as well as I control my strength."

That earned a small smile. "Yeah. Sorry, I guess."

Moving his massage down the larger- _should be larger but isn't, something's wrong_- nation's back, America continued. "I'm here for you Mattie, you know I am. If you need a break I can look after Rainbow Country for a while. I promise I won't annex her."

Canada was frowning again. _Bad sign_. "How do I know this isn't some sort of reverse psychology Manifest Destiny shit, eh?"

"Mattie, I swear on my land and people I won't take our daughter from you, and I won't let my government do it either." America paused as he felt the oath sink into place. Canada looked at him with wide eyes. Countries rarely made that promise to one another. To swear on your land and people was to surrender them to the other nation should you break the oath. It was usually fatal.

Canada looked like he was about to say something, but then Rainbow Country came back into the room. She took one look at America massaging Canada's shoulders and turned bright red. As she retreated, her voice echoed down the hall.

"Sorry! Didn't know! Also, I'll make dinner, but not until you're decent!"

America's eyes went wide. Canada giggled. "First thing you should know if you're gonna look after Rainbow Country: she's had a dirty mind since she was nine."

-time skip-

And that was how the United States of America found himself in his current situation. A month after his visit to Canada he was waiting at Dulles International Airport for his daughter- who still didn't know she was his daughter. In his hand was a crumpled piece of paper with a list written in Canada's spidery scrawl. _Rules for Looking after Rainbow Country_. Not that he'd read it. How hard could it be to look after a region of just over three hundred people?

America sighed with relief when he saw his daughter making her way towards him. He'd been worried she wouldn't make it, what with having to fly out of Pearson. Ontario stalked the girl every time she was in Toronto and Canada couldn't be everywhere.

"I don't need a babysitter," Rainbow Country informed America when she got close. "I'm twenty years old and plus, I could beat up Ontario."

Grinning, America fought the urge to ruffle the girl's hair. "You're tough, but he's got a ton of land and people on you. You'd be crushed. And Mattie and I had babysitters for a lot more than twenty years. Come on." He led the way to his car.

Rainbow Country followed grudgingly, kicking the ground every once in a while. America swore he heard her mutter something about the Nordics, Canada and abandonment, but he chose to ignore it. If she was anything like her passive-aggressive father she would find a way to turn whatever he said to her advantage.

Thirty five minutes later they arrived at America's house (read: the Whitehouse). America's expectation that his backwoods child would be impressed by the great structure was dashed when he noticed her grinning what appeared to be Prussia's _I will seize your vital regions_ grin. She was also singing, just barely loud enough for America to hear.

"So if you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice, take a pack of matches and we'll burn the Whitehouse twice! It burned, burned, burned, and the Americans won't admit it. It burned, burned-"

"Alright, enough of that!" America interrupted the song before anyone else could hear. "You weren't even around for that, so you don't get to gloat. Come on, I'll show you around."

"Fine." Rainbow Country pouted and did as she was told. Which for the next couple hours consisted of following America around the Whitehouse pretending to listen to his tour guide speech. America knew she wasn't really listening- kind of hard to listen with your headphones on- but he let it slide. In all truth, she was still better than having one of the older provinces over to visit. Ontario and Quebec really _did_ bring matches every time they came.

"And this is your room!" America declared at last, throwing open the doors. A couple of secret service people nearby looked at their nation and facepalmed.

"Why?" one of them asked. America, immune to sarcasm as he was, decided to answer the rhetorical question.

"He dudes, this is my daughter Rainbow Country! She's staying with me for a while cuz Canada's worn out and Ontario wants to… well, we don't really know what, but it's not good. So treat her the same way you'd treat me, okay? And don't touch or Canada'll fillet you with a hockey stick!" This rant led to more facepalming on the part of the agents, as well as a very odd report to their superiors at the end of the day.

Rainbow Country was looking around her new room, which was really a suite, with wide eyes. America could understand; the place was almost as big as the cabin she'd shared with Canada. The forest-born girl looked distinctly out of place.

America smiled awkwardly. "Alright, well, I'll let you get settled in. Call me if you need anything; otherwise, I'll be back to get you for supper."

"Okay." She nodded. Then, in a whisper he could barely hear, "Thanks Uncle Alfred."


	2. Rules for Looking after Rainbow Country

Rules for looking after Rainbow Country

A Guide for America

Never try to read over her shoulder when she's on the internet. _It will traumatize you_. Her internet history goes through so many kink memes and doujinshi, it's not even funny.

If you value your manhood, never call her Kay when using human names. No, I don't know why she hates it or where that bokken comes from.

Don't insult Canada, England or France while she's within earshot. Or any of the provinces. She even defends Ontario, despite what he puts her through. Again, I don't know where she keeps that bokken.

Don't attempt to make her wear a dress.

Similarly, do not assume that just because she is small and female, she is weak. She will kick your ass for it. This may be done with or without the bokken. Either way it will hurt. Yes America, even you. She trains with Japan four times a week and Germany five times a week.

Don't let Ontario meet with her alone. I don't know what he wants to do to her, but I don't want to find out. I also don't want to find out what would happen if he failed and she beat him up.

Don't be alarmed when she starts breaking random laws of physics. She has little to no control over this and is not always aware she's doing it, or that whatever she just did is impossible.

If she writes something and hands it to you, read it and find something nice to say about it. If you don't she won't attack, but she will go off and sulk, which is even worse.

Don't shout. Rainbow Country has_ very_ sensitive ears _and_ occasional depression issues. If you shout at her she will go off and sulk; she will also begin to punish herself for "being a bad person," which may involve small blades, wooden rulers and/or low doses of various toxins.

Don't let her near France or Spain. This is for their safety, not hers. Prussia is okay though; when she's not depressed Rainbow Country has a similar personality to him and they get along very well. He calls her his "awesome little sister."

Don't be alarmed if she starts casting magic in random places. She's friends with all three members of the European magic club; they taught her well. If she makes something weird happen, it's probably intentional and she'll fix it before she comes home.

DON'T GIVE HER COFFE! EVER! This is possibly the most important rule. The first time she had coffee she nearly destroyed a small town. She gets_ very_ hyper. The same rule applies to large amounts of sugar.

Don't make any comments regarding how much she eats. She has your ridiculous metabolism hoser!

Don't make any comment on her appearance that includes the following words or phrases: flat chested, gained weight, short, midget, ass, butt or thighs. She's still growing and I have the bruises to prove that all that weight is muscle.

If for some reason you end up shopping for… unmentionables… with her, do not try to influence her choice based on how they look. This is part of why France can't come near her anymore.

Don't turn off the TV or change channels during her shows unless you can deal with hours of whining and sighing.

If you value your sleep, don't give her a trombone, baritone BC, trumpet or recorder (you know, those things that look like a flute that all my sixth graders have to learn). She loves music, can stay awake for days and has little respect for when curfew comes if she's halfway through a concert. For similar reasons, you may want to hide your video games.

Avoid playing rap, most modern pop or really any music written after 1990 (unless it's country or J-pop) while she's in the room. Especially Justin Beiber.

Don't say the words Avro or Arrow. This applies to you only. She blames you for that. She wasn't even alive yet and it was her baby.

Okay, I lied earlier; this is the most important rule. Regardless of all above rules, do whatever will keep her safe. She has a very high tolerance for pain, so she has no judgement for danger and thinks she's invincible. She's also a dreamer and lousy at taking care of herself. If no one was around she could get lost in her own little world for days at a time. This is the real reason I can't leave her alone, even more than Ontario's malice. I'm so glad she's a small region instead of another nation; it gives me an excuse to keep her close and look after her. Don't tell England about that though; he'd be jealous and might try to take her. He still cries sometimes about all of us growing up and leaving him. He'd want someone he could look after forever.


	3. Don't look at the laptop

_Boom, boom, boom!_ America's fist met the door with enough force to concuss a bison (buffalo if you're from the States). Luckily all doors in the Whitehouse had been long since reinforced to deal with the super power's abuse. He waited several seconds, but the suite's new occupant wasn't forthcoming.

"Rainbow, time for dinner!" America felt a little foolish. He'd never gotten a handle on this parenting thing, no matter how many states he had.

A frowning Rainbow Country opened the door. America beamed at his daughter and led her to the kitchen, trying not to feel like she was about to behead him. The kid gave off some serious bipolar vibes. It probably had to do with maturing as fast as she had. Nation-tans weren't supposed to have the appearance of a teenager before they were even a hundred years old. America wondered what had happened to her.

"I didn't know what you like, so I made pizza!" America declared, "Everyone likes pizza!" He sat down and dug in. After a moment of unnatural silence (seriously, no one related to him ate quietly, not even Canada), America paused and looked up from his plate. Rainbow Country had picked up a slice of pizza and was meticulously picking off anything that wasn't cheese or meat. America frowned.

"Don't you like it? Romano says ever Germany will eat pizza…"

Rainbow Country smiled tightly. "I like pizza… just… not this kind. What exactly are these things?"

"Mushrooms, peppers, olives, onions, pineapple, tomatoes, garlic, basil, spinach and artichoke. Why, you allergic?"

"No… I don't like cooked vegetables. Or pineapples." Rainbow Country finally appeared satisfied with the appearance of her pizza slice. As soon as she started eating America went back to focusing on his own meal. Of course, the revelation concerning vegetables caused two voices he hadn't heard in a while to pop up in his head, albeit with a topic they'd never come up with before. It was unnerving to hear his Confederate and Union voices fight over something so mundane.

_I have to make her eat the vegetables! I'm supposed to be her father! Fathers make their daughters eat vegetables, right?_

_ If she doesn't like them she won't eat them. Do you want her to rebel against you the way you did to England? You already know she packs a mean punch._

_ But it's for her own good! People need vegetables to grow up big and strong. Even I eat vegetables._

_ She'll hate you. And if she hates you Canada will hate you. Maybe Quebec too._

_ Nonsense! If I didn't hate Iggy for making me eat vegetables, Rainbow won't hate me! And Canada could never hate me. We're best buds._

_ August 24__th__, 1814._

_ That wasn't hate! That was revenge! I deserved it for burning down York. And he hasn't done anything else since. He'd understand if I forced Rainbow to eat vegetables._

_ She said she didn't like __**cooked**__ vegetables idiot._

_ I know what she- oh. _

_ Yeah._

Happy that his inner voices had decided to offer Rainbow Country raw vegetables instead of trying to force feed her, America glanced up to ask his daughter to pass the Coke. Except he momentarily forgot words. There had been five pizzas on the table, as America always ate three and a bit (sometimes four) and he wanted to make sure there was enough. While he was lost in thought one and a half pizzas had disappeared. The pile of unwanted vegetables on Rainbow Country's plate was quite large.

"Did- did you eat all that?" America hoped she said no. He'd rather deal with a sick Tony again (alien dude couldn't handle Earth food, no matter how much he liked it) than explain to Canada that Rainbow Country was ill because he hadn't kept an eye on her.

"Yeah." Rainbow shrugged off her father's concerned look. "So what? It's not like you can talk, Herr Scarfs-burgers-all-through-meetings. And don't you dare lecture me on being a lady like England did."

America pulled himself together. "I'd never do that. It's just, you're kinda little. You sure you aren't gonna be sick?"

"Nope!" Rainbow chirped cheerfully. She passed him the Coke without being asked. "Don't worry Uncle Al, I haven't gotten sick since the day I decided to eat a whole bag of chips followed by a chocolate bunny, half a pizza, two slices of cake and a thing of pasta. I know better now."

With no response to that, America returned his focus to his own food. If he had bothered to read Canada's list he might not have been so surprised, but as it was… He'd never heard of a girl Rainbow's size eating that much at once before, let alone being so carefree about it. Weren't most girls more concerned about their…? No, best not go there, not with all the teasing he got from England.

After dinner Rainbow Country went back to her room. America sulked. _How am I supposed to have father-daughter bonding time if she hides all the time? _So he sat down to brainstorm. Not knowing much about Rainbow, nothing immediately came to mind. Then he remembered her mentioning a television show filmed in her region, _Adventures in Rainbow Country_.

With a few minutes of searching America was able to find a couple of episodes on YouTube, though he wasn't sure which order they went in. It had been a long time since they'd first aired. Since his IPhone didn't have a large enough screen to watch TV though, he would have to ask Rainbow if they could do it on her laptop.

America raced to his daughter's suite and pounded on the door. "Rainbow Country, can I come in?"

He waited ten minutes. There was no answer. Knocking again, America was met with the same result. A twinge of fear ran up his spine. What if Ontario had snuck in past security and was trying to kidnap Rainbow? She was tough but the province would subdue her eventually. America couldn't let that happen.

"Don't worry Rainbow, the hero's coming to save you!" America flung the door open with a bang. Luckily nothing broke.

Ontario was nowhere to be seen. The only nation in the room was Rainbow Country, sitting at her computer with her headphones on. She hadn't heard him knocking. America sighed with relief.

"Hey, you had me worried for a moment. So anyways, I found that show you mentioned on YouTube, so we could watch it together… Huh?"

Rainbow Country still wasn't listening. She didn't appear to even have registered his entrance. Her eyes were still glued to something on her computer screen. America frowned and walked up right behind her.

"Uh, Rainbow, it's rude to ignore the hero when- holy shit!" America's mind went numb. Rainbow Country was on a site called . The super power felt his face going red as he saw what she was reading. The story was called _Vikings and Celts_, by Bluejay Blaze; porn. His precious baby was reading poetically silly, homosexual nation porn. _Between her father and England! _Canada had said she had a dirty mind, but this…

"Wish it were that easy," Rainbow Country muttered. "Dad needs to get laid." Her words nearly made America faint. He ran from the room, all thoughts of a father-daughter bonding night forgotten.

Burying himself in his blankets, America hugged his pillow and tried to bleach his mind of what he had read. Oh, he knew Canada and England had _done it_ before- Ontario was proof- but seeing it all written out… so descriptively… and Rainbow reading it… She was still a child by nation standards! How could Canada have let her become that way? Had he sent her to a human school?

Footsteps by his bed informed America that Rainbow Country had noticed him flee. He felt rather than saw her sit on the bed beside him. Whimpering, America wormed his head out of his blanket fortress.

"Are you alright Uncle Al?"

"Yes… no… I don't know!" Unable to hold himself back, America burst from his blankets and enveloped Rainbow Country in a hug. "How could you read something like that? You're so young and- and it was your own father… with _England_ of all people!"

"Isn't that where Ontario came from?" Rainbow Country squirmed out of America's hold. "I'm not stupid you know; France gave me the Talk when Nunavut was born. Complete with slideshow."

America's eyes went wide. "Holy shit! You poor kid…"

Rainbow Country shuddered in agreement. For a moment the room was filled with awkward silence. Uncomfortable, America was about to blurt out something random when his daughter spoke.

"Uncle Al, why haven't I met you before? I've known England, Japan, Germany, Prussia… even France and Spain as long as I can remember. I see Netherlands every year. Why hasn't dad ever let me see you?"

"Um…" _Oh shit! Oh bloody maple frog shit!_ "I'm not _really_ sure- he never told me- but I think it might have something to do with how you were born. You see, unlike most men, your dad can-"

"Yeah, Manitoba and Alberta told me all about the mpreg thing he can do. I know you're Alberta's father- er, other father."

America rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Um, yeah, about that, you and Alberta are kind of like North-West Territories and Nunavut. Uh…"

His daughter frowned and America cowered. It wasn't fair that such a small nation could be so scary. He blamed the mini Sweden eyes. "Are you saying you're not my uncle?"

"Um, kind of. I_ am_ Mattie's brother, but I'm also your dad. So you can keep calling me Uncle Al if you want."

"Oh. Okay." Rainbow Country got up and made to leave. America was confused (again; it seemed to happen a lot).

"Wait- your reaction to finding out you're a product of incest is just 'oh?' Aren't you freaked out at all?"

"Not really. I mean, Alberta's the same and he's alright. It'll just take a little getting used to, knowing where I came from." With that, Rainbow Country left. America considered following, but was halted by a sheet that had tied itself around his ankles in a devilish knot.

-line break-

The next morning America practically kicked Rainbow's door open. "Good morning Rainbow! Wanna come downstairs and help me make pancakes?" Upon seeing the computer though, all colour drained from his face.

"Wha- what are you doing?"

"Research," Rainbow Country replied without looking away from the comic on her screen. "I wanted to find out where I came from."

This time America _did_ faint. Some secret service agents who'd been passing by poked their heads in at the thump, but paled and left almost immediately. They needed to bleach their brains. Neither of them wanted to remember seeing a cartoon version of their nation fucking the brains out of a very moe cartoon Canada.


	4. Terror before Tea Time

The President of the United States was used to strange things by now. After all, as well as running the country he had to play babysitter to its hyperactive, childish, somewhat schizophrenic nation-tan. But really, having a teenage girl burst into the Pentagon in the middle of a defense meeting was pushing it.

"You'll never take me alive!" the girl shouted over her shoulder. She frowned when she saw there was no door other than the one she'd come in. "Tabernak!"

Various military officials were about to violently (read: with weapons) protest the girl's presence, but were halted as America charged through the door. Something shiny and made of turquoise silk was draped over one of his arms.

"Please Rainbow! China's coming over and I need your help."

"I _won't_ wear it!"

The girl jumped up on the table, scattering papers. A wooden sword materialized in her left hand. America groaned.

"Not this again!"

"Excuse me," the president coughed, forcing himself to remain calm, "But what's going on here? You know better than to interrupt these meetings Alfred."

"Oh! Sorry about that. Boss-man, this is my daughter Rainbow Country. She's from Canada. Anyway, I'll just be taking her home now. Later!" Dodging a couple of swipes from the wooden sword, America grabbed Rainbow Country by the collar and dragged her from the room. There was a soundtrack of hollow thumps as the girl struggled to get free.

Gathering up scattered notes, the president returned his attention to the meeting. "So gentlemen, where were we?" Oh yes, the president of the United States was used to strange things by now, at least where his nation-tan was concerned.

-line break-

She had escaped again. When they were barely out of the Pentagon Rainbow Country managed to slip out of her hoodie and disappear down the street. America sighed and rubbed his temples. He couldn't see why this was such a big deal.

_It's just a dress. All I need is for her to show up and look cute so China'll be too distracted to mention my debt. Why won't she wear it?_

Of course, he had bigger problems now. Rainbow Country was loose in Washington D. C. Who knew what she could get into? America needed to find her and fast. He needed help. Sighing again, he pulled out his IPhone and dialed.

"_Ve~ This is Germany's house! But I'm Italy! Can I help you?_"

"Feliciano, is Ludwig there?" America glanced around as he spoke. He couldn't see any humans within earshot, but just in case…

"_Si. Un momento per favore._" There was a brief pause.

"_Germany speaking. What is it Amerika?_"

"Um, Ludwig, if you'd, say, lost a small region of Northern Ontario in Washington D. C. because she didn't want to wear a dress, where would you look?"

"_Dummkopf! You'd better hope Kanada doesn't find out. Try a book store or an ice cream shop. If you haven't found her by midnight, call me again._"

"My midnight or yours?" But there was no answer. Germany had hung up on him. Groaning, America got up and headed to the nearest ice cream parlour.

Several hours of searching later, America was about to give up hope when he received a text from one of his secret services. The number belonged to CONTROL agent 86.

_Sir, CONTROL has just been invaded by the Canadians. They would like me to inform you that if you don't immediately cease attempting to force one Agent Rainbow into a dress, they will burn the Whitehouse again. What are your orders?_

Well, at least she was safe. Though if Rainbow Country could get into CONTROL headquarters that easily, it was high time to invest in a new security system. America wasted no time texting back.

_Hold her if you can. I'll come pick her up. If she asks, assure her I'm coming __**without**__ the dress._

-line break-

After retrieving his daughter from CONTROL America wanted nothing more than to go to bed. But he still had tea with China to plan for. Unfortunate as it was, seeing as this whole father-daughter time was to give Mattie a break, he had to call Canada for advice.

"_Hello?"_

"Hi Mattie! Um, I have a question about Rainbow."

"_Go ahead._"

"So I'm having this über-important tea party with China tomorrow and I need to take Rainbow with me. How do I get her to wear something cute?"

There was a sigh on the other end of the line. "_Al, she doesn't do cute. If you want her to dress nice, there should be a black and silver snakeskin tunic with matching tights in one of her suitcases._"

"Is that any easier to get her to wear than a dress?"

"_You tried to make her wear a dress? Are you alright?_"

"More or less. She scared my president and bruised my ribs, but nothing too serious. Well, except when she broke into CONTROL, held one of my secret agents and bokken-point and threatened to burn down the Whitehouse."

"_You lucky bastard. Next time you see England ask him what she did when __**he**__ tried to make Rainbow Country wear a dress._" Canada's last few words were almost cut off as the northern nation was overcome by a flood of hacking coughs. America looked at his phone with concern.

"You alright Mattie? You don't sound too good."

"_I'm okay Al. Just a little cold. It's good you took Rainbow when you did; I wouldn't want her to catch it._"

"Alright then. Call me if you need anything. Love you bro."

"_Je t'aime aussi. Au revoir._"

"Bye Matt."

-line break-

When it came time to meet with China, Rainbow Country got dressed with minimal fuss. America had to admit that the tunic and tights looked good on her. They made her look like a dark fantasy princess, the kind that kicks butt and rescues Prince Charming. Unfortunately for him, that was unlikely to distract China from anything.

As they approached the room where tea time was taking place, America found himself praying that Rainbow Country had spent enough time with England to develop some manners. From what he'd seen so far it seemed unlikely. Then again, he supposed manners weren't a priority when you lived in the middle of nowhere with a father who was a professional lumberjack and owned a polar bear.

"Xiàwǔ hǎo America!"

"Hi China! I hope you don't mind; I brought company." America placed his hands on Rainbow Country's shoulders, mostly to hold her in case she tried to attack or run away. Honestly, sometimes he wondered if Kumajiro had raised her as much as Canada had.

"Hello China. I'm Rainbow Country, Canada's daughter. I represent a small region in Northern Ontario." Rainbow Country bowed Japanese style. "If you wish to call me by my human name, it's Kayla."

China looked from Rainbow Country to America. "You're babysitting for Canada, aru? She talks like Japan!"

Meanwhile America was stunned. Apparently Britannia Angel had answered his prayers. Someone _had_ bothered to teach Rainbow how to behave. Then he slumped, the weight of that thought hitting him. _If she knows how to be nice, why won't she ever do it for me?_

Rainbow Country poured tea for the three of them while America pulled himself together. For the next couple of hours she was mostly silent, staring at her cup unless someone asked her a question. This was no help at all when it got to the point that China was bringing up America's debt. In an effort to derail that train of thought, America blurted out the first thing that popped into his head.

"Yao, have you seen much of Mattie lately?"

"Canada aru? I saw him just last night. He didn't look well; I hope nothing's wrong with his economy aru. It's good that you're looking after the little one so he can get some rest. You're a good brother, even if you're lousy with money aru."

America bit his lip. He knew very well there was nothing serious going on with Mattie's economy; otherwise it would have affected him too. Hopefully Canada hadn't been lying when he said it was just a cold.

The conversation turned again and America successfully managed to avoid doing anything about his debt for another day. After China left the superpower collapsed on the chesterfield with a sigh of relief. Rainbow Country left to get changed, then came and curled up in a nearby chair.

"Is dad sick? Is that why China asked about his economy?"

"It's nothing. He just has a bad cold." America kept any worries private. He didn't want to upset his daughter, not when he was finally getting a handle on this father thing. The super power rolled over so he could reach Rainbow Country and run his fingers through her hair.

"Hey Rainbow, what's your economy like? You'd think an area as small as you wouldn't have one, but you wouldn't be here if you didn't."

Rainbow Country thought for a minute. "It must have something to do with the La Cloche Art Show," she decided. "Every year there's a big art sale in Whitefish Falls with entries from all over the area. They sell lots of pictures of rocks and trees."

"But isn't that what people see whenever they go outside up there?"

"Yep." Rainbow Country smirked and started to sing. "Cause we've got rocks and trees, and trees and rocks, and rocks and trees, and trees and rocks, and rocks and trees, and trees and rocks, and rocks and trees, and trees and rocks and water!"

America groaned. "Can you please sing something by a band other than The Arrogant Worms already?"


	5. Parkour and Martial Arts

When America was awakened at five in the morning by someone pounding on his door, he thought he was under attack. That or Rainbow Country had somehow managed to tick off his president. She'd only been around for a few days, but he wouldn't have put it past her.

"Whaddya want?" America flung open the door, shotgun in hand. Before he could even register who was there a large hand pushed the weapon out of the way.

"It's dangerous to play with guns Amerika, especially since our countries are at peace. Is Rainbow Country available?" Germany smiled, something America had never seen him do around anyone except Italy.

"Yeah, just a sec." The super power stood aside to let Germany in. "Kay, you've got company." Still half asleep, America didn't register Germany's wince as he called his daughter.

Seconds later a bokken flew into the side of America's head. "Yeow!" The super power jumped and glared in the direction it had come from. "What was that for?"

Rainbow shrugged as she appeared around the corner. "Don't call me Kay. Only Ontario does it and I don't like it."

"Are you ready for training?" Germany interrupted before America could say anything. Rainbow Country nodded and smiled.

"Hai."

"Sehr gut. Japan will be late; he said he had to pick someone up. Do you mind extra company?"

"Nah, maybe I'll get to fight someone I can actually beat for a change."

Germany… laughed? America wasn't sure; he'd never heard Germany laugh before. "You fight well little one. You're just inexperienced."

Curious, America followed Germany and his daughter outside. The spent several minutes stretching on the lawn before Rainbow Country levelled a stare at her father. He shivered. _Yep, she's mastered the Sweden face._

"Uncle Al, if you want to come with us you have to wear pants. This," Rainbow gestured at America's flag boxers, "Is just too embarrassing." Germany nodded in agreement.

Red as a tomato, America rushed inside. He returned a few minutes later wearing jogging bottoms and a stars-and-stripes wife-beater. "Better?"

"Hai. Let's go!" Rainbow Country took off, Germany quickly catching up. America expected it to be easy to keep pace with them, but he soon found himself falling a bit behind. He frowned. _Could England be right? Do I need to lay off the hamburgers? Nah! I just don't run as much as Rainbow and Germany. I spend all my exercise time lifting weights; maybe I should balance it out._

Expecting them to run a few blocks and then make their way to a gym, America was in for a rude surprise. Without so much as a word of warning Germany and Rainbow Country suddenly turned off the sidewalk and vaulted a fence to land in a construction site. America scrambled after them with a frown.

"Hey, what're you doing? We can't go in here!"

Rainbow Country stuck out her tongue. "I'll leave if you can catch me!" And suddenly she was gone, climbing piles of pipes and vaulting half-built walls. Germany smirked.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt to play a bit. I propose the same challenge Amerika; catch me and we will leave. If not, we shall practice parkour until Japan arrives." And then the blond nation was also gone.

America sighed. Parkour was _not_ his sport. France and Australia, even Canada, had tried to get him into it before, but while he enjoyed it, he had never taken it seriously. And now he was being challenged to parkour tag by an energetic little girl and the fittest nation he knew. Karma was a bitch.

"I'm right here Uncle Al!" Rainbow Country cooed, hanging upside down from a cross brace. But as soon as America ran to grab her she rolled up and raced across the beam like a cat, jumping off the end and disappearing into a pipe too narrow for her pursuer. Seconds later Germany appeared, only to dive kong over a gap and wall America was too scared to try. Then when he thought he'd cornered Rainbow she did a reverse vault over a wall to an eight foot drop, rolling as she landed and sprinting away without harm. America groaned.

"Dammit! How do I catch these guys?"

After probably an hour or so of futilely chasing his companions as they lazied, konged, climbed, dinoed and hung in cat (as well as many other words that aren't supposed to be verbs and don't make sense unless you're a traceur), America finally realised there was no way he was going to beat Rainbow and Germany if he played by their rules. He sat on a block with a sigh. Sweat poured down his forehead into his eyes.

_The direct approach won't work, so what now? Ugh, I wish Mattie or Arthur were here. They're the ones who always come up with strategies to beat Germany. What would they do?_

America thought hard. He remembered what England had tried on him during his revolution and what Canada had done in the War of 1812. Neither was pleasant. Eventually he concluded that he needed a trap. Then he spent several more minutes trying to come up with one that would work. When he finally got an idea, America grinned like Prussia.

"Germany~" America called in his best imitation of Italy's voice, "Are you here Germany? America said you were. Ve, Germany! I need help! I got my foot stuck!"

Seconds later Germany appeared on the scene. America quickly grabbed the blond nation's arm. "Hah! I got you!"

Germany sighed. "Ja, you did. Remind me to work on _not_ answering ze dummkopf's every whim; zis is not the first time he's been used as a trap. Fine, we can train somevere else. Of course, you must catch Rainbow first."

"Chillax dude, she's a Canadian. I've got the perfect bait." America raised his voice, causing Germany to wince. "Rainbow, I caught Germany! If you surrender now we'll go to Timmies!"

A dirty blond head immediately appeared from behind a garbage bin. "Chillax isn't a word Uncle Al. I'm telling Arthur on you." After a second's pause, "Can I get whatever I want?"

"Sure dudette. Let's just get out of here before the workers show up."

The three nations left the construction site, Rainbow Country skipping in the lead. Apparently Canadian nation-tans have some sort of power that locates Tim Horton's for them, since before even America had gotten his bearings, Rainbow had found the aforementioned coffee shop. Germany was not totally pleased with this turn of events, but followed along. America heard him mutter something that sounded like "At least it's not hamburgers."

"Can I get a maple dipped donut, a raisin tea biscuit and a small double-double?" Rainbow asked the cashier sweetly. Once again, America wished she would be nice to him. The older nation paid for his daughter's meal without ordering anything for himself after seeing the tea biscuit, which made him think of England's cooking. Germany ordered a large, black coffee.

They sat in the shop while Rainbow ate. America occupied himself by watching as the small region's eyes changed colour. As she drank her coffee her eyes brightened and swirled from their usual dark blue-hazel to an almost unreal shade of silver. Her pupils got really tiny too. It was a little creepy.

Japan walked in as they were about to leave, Sealand trailing behind him. "Gomen nasai Ludwig; Berwald and Tino wished for their son to learn to defend himself. I thought training him alongside Kayla would be good for him." The Asian nation bowed.

Germany nodded. "Ja. Competition will encourage him to push himself and keep up. Let's go then; Alfred's yard is plenty large enough for us to spar."

The group of nations made their way back to the Whitehouse. For once Sealand was sensible enough to keep quiet about his nation status. Instead he and Rainbow Country skipped and ran around the older nation-tans and chattered about anime. America felt a surge of fear at the thought of what Sweden and Finland would do if his girl corrupted their precious son.

When The others started to practice martial arts, America was the odd man out. He sat and watched as Japan put Rainbow Country through a series of drills and kata, whilst Germany taught Sealand basics such as how to throw a proper punch. It was cute but scary. Rainbow Country got so focused while she worked, she started to resemble Germany. Every time she'd kiai, America jumped and checked to see if England and France were fighting somewhere nearby.

His phone rang. America picked it up, turning around so he wouldn't be distracted. "Y'ello."

"_J'ai un question Amerique._" Quebec's voice was one of the last America had expected. He hadn't even known the province had his number. "_Is Rainbow Country alright?_"

"Yeah dude, why wouldn't she be?" America frowned. Quebec sounded even more stuffed up than usual. Canada's cold must be contagious.

"_Canada, l'Ontario and I are all ill. I am merely checking whether the other provinces and territories share our plight, as l'Ontario is too caught up in his own suffering to bother. Au revoir._" The call ended before America could reply.

Turning back to watch the training, the super power frowned. Should he go north and look after Canada, since his illness was affecting the provinces too? But he had to stay with Rainbow Country and he couldn't risk exposing such a small region to sick nations. Her land and population were too small; she didn't have the strength of those who represented larger areas, no matter what she said. Even with inheriting his (proportional) super strength she was more delicate.

Not that he would ever say such a thing to her face. America winced when he saw Rainbow Country and Germany start to spar. Japan and Sealand watched: the former to critique them, the latter in awe. Rainbow Country was quick, but not as strong or polished as Germany. _She still packs a mean punch when you don't expect it though_, America thought, rubbing his head. He still had a bruise from when Rainbow had knocked him out.

Germany won, pinning Rainbow to the ground in an awkward looking arm lock. It probably wouldn't have looked so strange if the small region wasn't folding in half along her spine; America was pretty sure that was physically impossible. But Germany and Japan said nothing about it, so he assumed she was alright. Seconds later the air was filled with the sound of Sealand's laughter.

"Haha, that's so cool! Can I try?"

So Japan and Germany showed the boy how to do the lock. However, things didn't go as smoothly for Sealand as they had for Germany. He got Rainbow to the ground alright, but as soon as she was in the lock, Rainbow Country curled into a ball and pushed up with her knees. Sealand was lifted into the air as the Canadian stood; he ended up dangling off her arm as she stretched her shoulder out.

"Hey! Put me down!" Sealand pouted as he was returned to Earth. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Japan smiled and Germany patted the micro-nation's head. "Your form was perfect Sea-kun; Rainbow-chan is simply very good at escaping. She is strong for her size and quite flexible."

Training stopped shortly before lunch; Japan, Germany and Sealand had to go home. America was relieved, happy to be able to get back to father-daughter bonding time.

"Alright! Let's go have something to eat, then we can have a horror movie marathon!" His spirits instantly fell when Rainbow Country smirked like Prussia.

"Sorry, no horror movies allowed. Dad says they make me too paranoid. Plus, I'm always tired the next day and Germany'll yell at me if I sleep in tomorrow."

"You mean they're coming back!"

"Hai. Japan teaches me martial arts four times a week, and Germany holds training five times a week. Tomorrow it's at Germany's house."

America was about to freak out over having to get up early enough to get Rainbow Country to Germany by 5:00 a. m. but then he remembered why else they couldn't watch horror movies. "Wait, Canada says you get paranoid? What does a little region like you have to be paranoid about?"

"I know. It's not like I do anything after watching horror movies that I don't normally do. I always carry my bokken everywhere and sleep with the lights on."

Shrugging, America led the way inside to get some food. He still hadn't figured out where Rainbow Country kept her bokken when she wasn't using it; Tony said she must have some sort of pocket dimension. The alien hadn't been able to detect it though.

"So Rainbow, whaddya want for lunch?"

"Fish sticks and mashed potatoes!"

"Aww! I was gonna make burgers with Canadian bacon and lotsa cheese."

"I want fish sticks and mashed potatoes… and an uncle who speaks proper English."

"Hey! You can't talk! I know for a fact Iggy calls what Canada and you speak Frenglish, and France gets mad at Quebec for talking in Franglais."*

"Stai zitto!"

Even America knew that last one wasn't French. "Did you just cuss me out in Italian?"

"No. I told you to shut up in Italian."

-line break-

_*Author's note: I don't actually know if Englishmen and Frenchmen refer to Canadian languages as Frenglish and Franglais. However, many of the people in the high school I went to did. We thought it was hilarious. And if you think about it, it's true: Canadian French is quite different from Parisian French and our English is slowly being corrupted by French (and American) terms. Our country should really be called Frangleterre._


	6. England's Granddaughter Alright

Rainbow Country had been staying with America for about a week now. Shortly after Quebec first called, the province phoned again with orders not to bring Rainbow north unless absolutely necessary. Apparently there was something pretty bad affecting all the provinces and territories of Canada, except Alberta for some reason. Quebec's call had been full of explosive coughing and sneezing. Canada himself was the worst off, hacking his lungs out until he threw up. America wanted to help, but he couldn't risk exposing Rainbow to that.

"It can't be their economy," the USA muttered as he put down the phone. "If it was I'd be affected too. Maybe Canada's government is doing something?"

He walked into the kitchen, rubbing his temples. America didn't like not knowing what was going on; what kind of hero couldn't even help his sick brother? Sighing, America started to make breakfast. When he saw the calendar above his counter he froze.

"Crap! There's a meeting today! Oh shit, what am I gonna do with Rainbow?" America ran back to his phone. Canada had said that Quebec sometimes babysat, but that was out. Who else had he mentioned?

…Prussia!

America dialed the ex-nation's cell number. "Please don't be drunk, please don't be drunk, please don't be drunk!"

"_Guten tag! Ze awesome Prussia is speaking!_" A fit of coughing exploded from the phone. "_For what do you need meine awesome help Amerika?_"

"Prussia, are you sick?"

"_Ja, und it is not awesome. I caught it ven I vent to Birdie's to have awesome pancakes vith him und his provinces._"

America froze. _What was I thinking? Prussia is one of Canada's towns now; of course he'd catch whatever they all have. I can't let him look after Rainbow._

"Uh, never mind Prussia. I just remembered I'd already solved this problem. Sorry to bother you."

"_Don't vorry about it. Everyone needs a few moments vith meine awesomeness to complete zeir day._"

Hanging up, America bit his lip. Who else was available? His states were out; none of them had the patience to deal with Rainbow and her Arrogant Worms obsession. Romano? No, if he left Rainbow Country with South Italy he'd come back to find the place in ruins. Kayla hated tomatoes. There was no other option; America had to bring his Canadian daughter to the meeting.

He walked back into the kitchen, where Rainbow was making porridge. "Hey Rainbow, wanna come to the world meeting with me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nah, not really. Prussia can't look after you and I'm not leaving you alone. Even if Ontario's too sick to try anything, you'd probably TP my house."

Rainbow Country smiled. "I'd never do that Uncle Al. Although I might repaint it."

"Still not good. As soon as you're done eating, put on your shiny tunic thing. Germany will kill me if we're late."

-line break-

Somehow the pair made it to the meeting on time despite Rainbow Country's insistence on stopping for Timmies. America grabbed an extra chair and set Rainbow up beside him, hoping she'd keep herself occupied with her book and her coffee. He'd bought her a large so it would last a while.

"Hi England." Rainbow Country waved as they entered the room. England waved back, then chuckled and smirked. America wondered what was so funny. He put it out of his mind though in favour of glaring at France. He didn't like the way Francis was looking at Kayla.

The meeting went uncharacteristically well for the first hour. There was little fighting; all the nations who didn't know Rainbow Country were too busy watching her curiously and all the ones who did were either amused or terrified by something. America really wished he knew what was bothering them.

About an hour and a half into the meeting America noticed a soft buzzing by his side. Rainbow Country was vibrating in her seat, her eyes shining silver with pinprick pupils. The small region had finished her coffee.

"Do you need to pee?" America whispered. Rainbow Country shook her head.

"No, I'm fine. Are you gonna finish your coffee?"

America looked at his untouched cup. He wasn't much for coffee, preferring shakes, and had only bought it because the cashier at Tim Horton's had been looking at him funny. The nation passed it over.

"Here you go, but don't blame me if Germany yells at you for running off to the bathroom."

Rainbow Country smiled and started to drink. Across the room, England, Romania and Norway were all smirking. Meanwhile France appeared to have fainted and Spain was hiding behind the Italies. America frowned.

"Dudes, what's going on? Why's everyone acting so weird?"

He got his answer a second later from Rainbow Country. Having finished her second coffee, the northern region forewent her vibrating in favour of jumping up on the table. Papers scattered everywhere. Germany glowered.

"Rainbow Country, return to your seat immediately!"

"No!" An eerie glow surrounded the tips of Rainbow's fingers. It looked kind of like Russia's creeper aura. The northern region began to dance on the table; she was singing something about "getting nuttin' for Christmas" under her breath. As she danced the eerie glow spread slowly over her body.

Tiny, bat-like wings and a short, scaly tail sprouted from Rainbow's back and tiny horns appeared on her head. There was a series of loud pops as her clothes changed from her nice tunic and tights to a set of ill-fitting black scale mail. A short, violet rod covered in Futhark runes popped into being with the chime of a bell; Rainbow Country seized it and quit dancing.

Most of the countries stared in shock and confusion. Only England seemed immune. The former empire calmly grabbed Rainbow by one wing and pulled her off the table.

"What have I told you about transforming in public? You turn back right now young lady."

Rainbow Country blinked at England, an evil smirk spreading across her face. "How about no?" She twisted her wing out of England's hand and jumped into the air. Wings that shouldn't have held her in flight did. A very bad feeling wormed its way into America's stomach.

"Rainbow, get down here!"

"Non! Je ne le veux pas!" Rainbow's rune covered rod started to glow. She began to chant, dodging the nations who, upon recovering their senses, had begun trying to get her down.

"Conuenientem magnitudinem mutare regiones eorum. Nolumus crescere, maiores et minores. Hoc fac cito lucet in virtute aquilonis et draconem."

For a few seconds the room was filled with blue-green light. It looked like the aurora borealis had been brought indoors. No one could see anything. America's eyes watered even after he shut them.

When the light faded it was followed almost immediately by a chorus of very odd sounding shrieks. America opened his eyes and froze. His jaw dropped.

None of the countries was their proper height. Russia had been blown up over seven feet tall; America and China were about six foot six. Meanwhile Hungary and England barely came up to America's knee and Sealand (who had snuck in _again_) was roughly the size of a jelly bean. England groaned.

"Rainbow Country, why?" The island nation received no answer. Rainbow Country, now returned to her normal appearance, was curled up asleep on an eraser.

"At least she didn't break anything this time," Norway said softly. England glared up at him.

"Really? You don't have a problem with being the size of a three year old?"

"At least I can still climb on my chair without help."

"Enough!" Germany shouted shrilly. "We need to be thinking of ways to fix zis, not arguing like children." The usually intimidating effect of his rage was somewhat lost due to a shrunken Japan behind him; the Asian nation was smiling and measuring himself against Germany. He seemed to enjoy suddenly being taller than his friend, even if not by much.

"Ah, lighten up!" Denmark exclaimed. "The magic dudes'll figure something out. Until they do, I'm gonna go swim in a barrel of beer." Whistling, the spiky-haired Nordic left.

Meanwhile France, who had woken up, was quietly making his way to America under the table. No one noticed until America jumped away with a squeal. France, now perfectly crotch height to the super power, grinned.

"Ah, mon ami, it is all in good fun, non? Just think of all the things we can use out new sizes for."

"England," America whined, "Fix it! France is an evil little pervert."

"I'm trying git!" The former empire looked rather ridiculous, perched on top of his magic book as he looked for a spell. "Unfortunately, Rainbow is _your_ daughter. She mangles whatever magic she touches. Last time I had to use Britannia Angel to undo her mess."

America picked up Rainbow Country to keep her from being molested or squashed. "Whaddya mean Iggy?"

"Ugh, why must you do that to my language? I mean that I had to transform and use my wish granting powers to undo the magic of the northern lights. Your daughter doesn't exactly use proper spells and it's dangerous to play around with an unknown weave."

Germany glowered. "Vell zen, vy not do zat right away?"

England stared at his feet, face flushing red. "Because I don't have any rum."

"Vy should zat matter?"

"Transformations are triggered," England explained with a sigh. "Everyone in my family has a certain substance their magic reacts to in… unusual ways. For Rainbow Country, it's large amounts of coffee; for me it's rum. I can't become Britannia Angel unless I'm drunk." The former empire's face became so dark red as to be nearly purple.

America frowned. "Wait, you mean there's something out there that could make me randomly grow wings and weird clothes without my say so? Iggy, why'd you give me genes that hate freedom?"

"Shut up you bloody wanker. It's not like I have any say in the matter either. At least it's not your beloved burgers."

That shut America up. He couldn't imagine a life were burgers made him turn into some weird mythical creature. He glanced down at Rainbow, asleep in his hand. _Why does she love coffee so much if it makes her all hyper and magic-y? I'd be so scared if that happened to me._

"We're not giving England rum," Spain said adamantly. He hid behind Australia at the mere suggestion. America and France both winced. Britannia Angel wasn't the only result of England getting drunk.

Romania appeared from a shadow and slapped the Spaniard. "Idiot. Do you want to spend forever like this? A few days of England on a pirate bender is better that spending eternity unable to fight off a golden retriever. What about the really small nations? Do you want Sealand to be eaten by a bird?"

At the sound of their adoptive son's name, Finland and Sweden made their way to Romania's side. Sweden glared at Spain until the tomato lover crumbled.

"Okay, fine. But please, for the love of God, keep him away from me."

Australia and China were sent out to acquire the needed alcohol, as they were still a normal human height. America supposed he could have gone too, but he had to keep an eye on Russia. The last thing they needed was for the northern giant to force shrunken nations to become one with him.

Rainbow stirred in America's hand. "Ugh… Uncle Al, what happened? Why're you so big?"

"You messed up some magic and Iggy has to get drunk to fix it. Canada should've told me not to give you coffee."

Rainbow shrugged and rubbed her head. "Ouch. Caffeine hangover."

"You kinda deserve it."

"Shut up."

It wasn't long before Australia and China returned. England was about to start drinking when he realised all the other nations were watching him. The former empire frowned.

"It's rude to stare," he pointed out. "Either find something else to do or join in. There's more than enough rum with me at this size."

Everyone declined the invitation in favour of recreating a scene from Gulliver's Travels. Russia was cast as Gulliver. Norway, Romania and Rainbow Country conjured some ropes they could use.

For a few minutes England was forgotten. Then suddenly there was a flash of golden light from his drinking corner, accompanied by the sounds of gunshots and clinking treasure. The other nations looked around in alarm until they spotted a small, very drunk angel. His halo was crooked and he held his wand like a sword.

"I wish we were our normal heights," Australia said before Britannia Angel could do anything crazy. He'd dealt with this version of England often enough before. The cupid waved his wand with a pirate's grin and there was a flash of brilliant golden light.

When they could see again, all the countries had returned to normal. Well, except England. The blond man was his proper size again, but other than that nothing about him could be considered proper. His angel form had been replaced by high boots, black trousers and a long, red and gold coat. He held a cutlass instead of his wand and there was a tricorn perched on his head. Spain squeaked in fear.

"Alright mates, this be the dread Captain Kirkland speakin'. Surrender yer valuables or prepare te meet me blade."

For once the nations of the world all agreed on something: England was bloody crazy. As one, every country in the meeting turned tail and ran, scattering back to their own lands. Grinning, England took off after his chosen prey. Spain.

-line break-

A few days later, England awoke with an almighty headache. He sat up, recognising America's house. Rainbow Country appeared almost instantly by his side, a glass of water in hand. England accepted gladly; unfortunately, his pirate instincts weren't totally out of his system. The first sip made him gag.

"Why is the rum gone?" England asked reflexively. Rainbow Country giggled. America's voice (far too loud for England's hangover) echoed from another room.

"Cause you drank it all you crazy Brit!"


	7. Music to my Tears

It had been nearly a month since Rainbow had first come to America and he was starting to get used to her presence. Whatever illness Canada and the provinces had contracted had spread even to Alberta; Canada himself was almost completely out of commission and Quebec seemed to be running the house, though he was just as sick as the others. No one was allowed to visit, especially not Rainbow Country.

America groaned and rubbed his head. Aside from orders to stay away, Quebec really hadn't given him any information. _I'm just worried about Mattie. Why's Pierre so uptight? Is he mad at me?_

Pushing the thought out of his mind, America knocked on Rainbow's door. "Rise and shine dude. Breakfast time."

Normally this would have been met with prompt acknowledgement in the form of either good natured cursing or a bokken to the head; when Rainbow's room remained silent, America's stress headache returned. The super power opened the door and dashed in, eyes closed in case he needed to preserve his daughter's modesty.

"Rainbow, you alright?"

From the direction of Rainbow's bed he heard a thud, followed by a sharp gasp and soft cursing. Then came the tell-tale thunk of bokken meeting skull, but for once, America wasn't the target. He opened his eyes to see Rainbow Country looming over a bruised and battered France. One black booted foot was planted on the European nation's chest.

"For the last time Grandpere, _stay out of my room!_" Rainbow punctuated the order with a kick from her cowboy boots. France squeaked.

"But ma cheri, I thought you would be happy to see me. This way you don't have to embarrass l'Amerique by asking him to go shopping for-"

"That's enough out of you! I don't need a new bra; the one I have is perfectly fine."

"Ma cheri, how do you expect to get a boyfriend if you have no sexy lingerie? Pere France is just trying to help his granddaughter find l'amour."

"I'm perfectly capable of finding a boyfriend on my own, assuming I ever even _want_ one. And lingerie has nothing to do with it. Now get out!" Rainbow Country picked France up by the collar and booted him out her open window, which must have been how he got in in the first place.

America cleared his throat. Paling, Rainbow Country turned to face him. "Uncle Al?"

"It's breakfast time. You want sausage or bacon with your eggs?"

"Sausage please."

-line break-

Later that morning America was doing some paperwork when a sinister, perverted aura crept over the Whitehouse. The super power sighed. He should have known France wouldn't just go home. Now he had to find the nation of love before Rainbow did. Leaving his papers, America headed off to start his search.

Moments later he heard a scream from the yard. America ran to the nearest window and looked out. He was met with the sight of a half-naked France racing across his lawn, Rainbow Country in hot pursuit. The Canadian region was singing and firing raw potatoes at her grandfather.

"-That like the spuds from the island best, cause they'll stand up to the hardest test-right on the table. So when ya see that big truck rollin by- wave yer hand or kinda wink yer eye, cause that's Bud the Spud from old PEI, with another big load a potatoes!"

America raced out of the house and managed to catch Rainbow Country just as she cornered France by a tree. Plucking the potato gun from his daughter's hands, America gave what he hoped was a stern, fatherly glare. It was something he'd been practicing a lot over the last month, but hadn't been having much success with.

"Rainbow! Stop it! We don't waste food in this house! What would Prussia say if he saw you using potatoes like this?"

Grumbling, Rainbow Country left. America watched for a moment to make sure she was out of earshot, then turned to France.

"Listen Francey-pants, I don't normally care what you Europeans get up to, but don't touch Rainbow, okay? Otherwise me'n Canada might have to nuke your ass; mostly me cause I think I'd have to lend Canada the nukes. He doesn't keep weapons lying around like I do." America delivered his long-winded threat with a deceptively sweet smile, eerily reminiscent of Russia. France shuddered.

"Amerique, you misunderstand. I do not wish to do anything to the little one; I am merely trying to help her attract the love of her life."

America was unsure how to respond to that. He wasn't even sure if Rainbow _had_ a love of her life. While he was trying to decide whether or not to threaten France some more, the aforementioned nation disappeared.

-line break-

Just before lunch America's paperwork was interrupted a second time. The perverted aura was back; this time it had a side of tomato sauce. Groaning, America left his office again to find out what France and Spain were doing.

He found them sneaking down the hall towards Rainbow's room. France was carrying a skein of rope while Spain held a large sack. America was just about to give the two a piece of his mind (and possibly some rubber bullets in their asses) when Rainbow Country ran out of her room. Her bokken narrowly missed Spain's head as she started to sing.

"I'm Lester the Lobster from PEI, an ugly little bug with beady little eyes. I can tackle anything up to twice my size; I'm Lester the Lobster from PEI!"

France and Spain took off at speeds that would make Italy jealous, Rainbow racing along behind. She continued to sing as she ran, the cute, silly song at odds with her murderous expression. America followed to prevent (or possibly assist in) the destruction of Western Europe.

He found the three on the Truman Balcony, disturbing nearby politicians. Rainbow had caught the two Europeans using their own rope and was beating them playfully with her bokken. Spain, used to rough treatment from Romano, was smiling through his bruises. France winced at every hit.

"Amerique, tell your barbarian to cease and desist. We wish to parley." France squirmed, trying to shield his head as he spoke.

"My underwear is _not_ a matter for parley!" Rainbow Country shouted. That earned a glare from America's boss. The super power flinched.

"Rainbow, quit beating on France and Spain. Just because they deserve it doesn't mean you can do it in public. You aren't in the woods wrestling moose with Canada anymore. France, Spain, quit taking an interest in whether or not Rainbow has sexy underpants. It's none of your business."

All three offenders nodded. Rainbow put her bokken back in whatever dimensional pocket it came from and untied her captives. The older men stood with some difficulty, nursing their bruises.

"Thanks America," Spain said cheerfully. Then suddenly his head snapped back as Rainbow slapped him

"Rainbow!" America tried to grab his daughter, but she was already over the railing and on her way down. The super power looked at Spain apologetically.

"Sorry. I don't know what she did that for. You should go home and get some ice; I need to have a talk with Rainbow."

Both European nations nodded and left. America made his way off the balcony and found some secret service men to help him track Rainbow Country. His stress headache just wouldn't leave him alone that day.

America found his daughter on a bench in a public park. She was curled up in a ball, heedless of the beginning rain. When America sat down next to her she grunted in acknowledgement.

"Why'd you hit Spain after I'd told you to stop?" America asked. "You're not a little kid; you know better."

"He called you America," Rainbow Country muttered. "You're not America Uncle Al."

"Whaddya mean? Of course I'm America! You knew that when we first met."

"No. You're the USA, not America." Rainbow uncurled from her ball to glare at America. Her jaw was set and stubborn, like Canada when he got into a hockey argument.

"What's the difference?" America scoffed. Rainbow Country stood up, arms crossed over her chest, and started to sing _again_. America was starting to wish she'd stop.

"I am not American,

Though I live in North America

Which is part of the Americas

Which should make me an American

Geographically Canadians,

Are certainly Americans

As are Venezuelans,

But not Hawaiians

They're out in the middle of the Ocean

Just like the U.S. Virgin Islands,

Who shouldn't say they are Americans,

Or even Virgi~ans

How could two whole continents,

Lose their name to one Constituent

Where were we when the U.S. went,

And took the word American away?

But to be fair to them,

Their other name options,

Like U.S. or United Statesians,

Were pretty bad

Still I want to be as American,

As the French are European,

Or those in Antarctica are Antarcticans

Even if their just penguins

That leaves us Canadians as Northern North American,

But Alaska's North-er curse them

We're surrounded by Americans

Americans, Americans!

I just called those U.S. Americans

A name meant for two continents not just them

For if I said I was American,

People would probably think I came from Maine

Still I think I have a plan,

Let's become Antarctican,

And join up with the penguins

For just like them, we're not American!"

Rainbow Country ran off again at the conclusion of the song. America was too stunned to follow. He hadn't known a song could hurt so much. Not only did it sound like Rainbow hated him, the song triggered a wave of guilt in him as well. The Arrogant Worms were right and it stung.

_No wonder Mattie can't control his invisibility, it's my fault! When- why- how could I do this to them? Is Mattie as bitter about it as Rainbow? What about the others- Mexico, Cuba, Brazil? Do they all hate me? Some hero I am…_

-line break-

It took far longer than he would've liked to sneak out of the house; Quebec had eagle eyes. But a fortunately timed bout of vomiting on Canada's part provided the distraction Prussia needed to get out of the house and across the border. The nation-turned-town needed to get help. He knew what was wrong, even if the others didn't, and he knew the provinces couldn't fix it on their own.

That and Quebec had hidden all the beer when everyone got sick. Prussia really wanted a beer.

The albino wasn't exactly sure where he was headed; between his coughing, sneezing and dizziness it was hard to walk straight or read signs. It only got worse when the rain started. But he was somewhere in the States, so he knew that as soon as he found a bar and started some trouble, America would find him. Most people would call that killing two birds with one stone; Gilbird didn't like that phrase, so Prussia spent his walk trying to come up with an awesome alternative.

Eventually he staggered into a bar, only to see a familiar dirty blonde head. Prussia frowned. _Isn't the drinking age in the USA twenty one? How did our little Schatz manage __**this**__? America won't be happy._

"How's meine awesome little sister?" Prussia asked, staggering over to collapse onto a chair next to Rainbow Country. He frowned when he saw tear tracts on her face.

"Vat's wrong Kayla? Zese tears are not awesome. Tell big bruder vat happened."

"Uncle Al's a jerk-face asshole hoser," Rainbow mumbled. She glared into her drink. Prussia ordered a beer and waited to see whether any more information was forthcoming. But Rainbow said nothing.

Sighing, Prussia sipped his beer. _Ah! That's better! Although German beer would be better still._ "Not zat I disagree viz you Schatz, but vat did Alfred do zis time?"

Rainbow Country didn't answer, which told Prussia all he needed to know. Whatever America had done to anger Rainbow was a nation thing; they couldn't talk about it around humans. So Prussia decided the best thing to do was distract Rainbow Country.

"Hey Schatz, don't be sad. Ve have beer, see? Und ze awesome me vill keep you from getting carded und zrone out so ve can have a gut time!"

-line break-

Keeping Rainbow from being carded wasn't easy, but Prussia didn't mind. Drinking was always more fun with a buddy. Especially a buddy who was dressed in black cowboy gear and, after her fourth beer, got up on a table to start singing Stompin' Tom.

"The songs that we'll be singing, they might be wrong but they'll be ringing, when the lights of town are shining bright, and we're all tight. We'll get to work on Monday, but tomorrow's only Sunday and we're out to have a fun day for its Saturday tonight. Yeah, the girls are out to bingo and the boys are getting stinko-"

Suddenly the door of the bar flew open and England barged in. Rainbow and Prussia froze. The former empire grabbed them by their ears and dragged them out, earning stares from the other patrons. Prussia whined.

"You have no idea what you've put me through, do you, you daft gits?" England shouted as he shoved them in his car. "First Alfred calls me over, crying about how Kayla hates him and ran away, then I find her in a bar with _you_! Have you no shame Gilbert?"

Prussia sneezed. "I vas chust trying to help her unwind. Ze stinky American vas being very unawesome."

England ignored him. "And what are you even doing here? I thought Quebec had Canada's house on lockdown so you didn't go spreading disease everywhere."

"Ve're not contagious," Prussia murmured, stroking Rainbow Country's hair. The small region had fallen asleep as soon as she was strapped in. "Ze problem is viz Birdie's new government; no vun else can catch it."

"What?" England nearly drove them into a tree. "Prussia, explain. _Now_."

"Ze new government is made of Arschlöcher. Zey have been cutting into ze zings zat make Canada, _Canada_, und ve are all suffering for it. Education, healz care, Canadian companies… zey are all being downsized, cut und outsourced. It is totally unawesome."

"But then why hasn't Rainbow Country been affected?"

"She doesn't have anyzing to do viz ze government or ze big companies. But if zings keep going zat might not help."

England pursed his lips. "We need to get to the bottom of this. I shan't have some upstart humans causing my boy grief. But not tonight. We'll start tomorrow, once Rainbow Country's inevitable hangover is gone and she's made up with her git of a father."

"Sounds gut," Prussia mumbled. His eyelids were starting to get heavy. "Vake me up ven ve get zere, ja?" He never heard whether England answered him or not.

-line break-

_ Author's note: Okay, the plot is starting to do plot things now. What, you thought this was just a series of interconnected one-shots of craziness? No, there's an actual storyline coming up. But I need a little help with part of the resolution. My plan is to end with some fluffy AmeCan, but recently Rainbow has been asking for her own happy ending. Should I give her a relationship too? And if so, who do you think would be a good match for her?_


End file.
